New NFL Rules, by the replacement refs
By now, we all have probably seen the results of last night’s NFL game of Green Bay versus Seattle. Those who follow football closely are up to date on the story of the replacement refs taking over for the regular refs who’ve been locked out by the league.
Well, to cut to the chase, the experiment has failed. The replacements are not acceptable, as evidenced by the mockery that was the end of that game last night. The Packers lost because of incompetent officiating, and the worst part is that the league is probably going to double down and try to force the issue by pushing that much harder at its own position.
You see, the problem is those pesky rules. You know, the ones that tell everyone how the game is played and regulated? Those. Well, they are apparently too much for the replacements, so the league is in the process of simplifying the rulebook to make it easier for the new guys. In a journalistic scoop of magnificent proportions, I have acquired a rough draft of some of the proposed rule changes.
1. An interception is now a touchdown if it occurs while the play clock shows an odd number.
2. When a call is in dispute, the first coach to run to the ref and say the magic safe word gets the ruling.
3. Punching a player in the face or crotch is ok; looking at them crossways is not and shall be assessed a 13 yard penalty from the spot of the dirty look.
4. On the fifth down of the third quarter, the player who looks most like Roger Goodell will have his team awarded the ball.
5. If the ref is standing on a marked yardage at the end of a play (a numbered yard line, not just a hash mark), the team with the brightest colored jerseys are awarded 5 1/2 points.
6. Up to 16 players are allowed on the field for each team.
7. Penalties will be canceled if the ref hears the offending player issue a sincere apology.
8. A fan from the stands will be allowed to be a guest referee for an entire drive late in the 4th quarter. There will be a drawing at halftime.
9. When any call is in dispute between two refs, the one with the most ridiculous call wins.
10. Extra timeouts and challenge flags may be purchased for the price of $5 from the Line Judge.
11. After an actual touchdown, should such a thing ever occur, the player in possession of the ball must guess how many fingers the ref is holding up behind his back. If he’s right, he gets the 6 points. If not, subtract a point for each finger the count is off by.
12. Refs are allowed to take coffee breaks if fatigued, confused, or covered in beer thrown by angry fans. There is no need to rush back, as the game will continue without their presence. It will probably run smoother without them.
13. The appeals process consists of writing your grievance down on a piece of paper, placing it in a 6×9 inch box, and addressing it to “Roger Goodell’s Bunghole”. Grievances will be heard in the order they are received.
14. Whenever the ref is distracted by a bright, shiny object, any and all touchdowns scored by either teams will be erased and 4 1/3 points will be awarded to the other team. Should the the ref be distracted again, each group of 4 1/3 points will be removed from said team and awarded back to the original team at the rate of 5 points per 4 1/3 point, not counting extra points and field goals.
15. New rules will be made up and old ones forgotten on a regular and continuing basis, so check with the refs after every call to see what they’re planning on doing to your team this time.
16. A player is considered to have caught the ball if he catches the player who actually caught the ball.
Best wishes to all NFL fans… May Vince Lombardi have mercy on our souls.