Guaranteed effective, mind-shattering torture
Forget waterboarding, sleep deprivation, hallucinogens, and visits by Jack Bauer. Here’s the quickest way into a human’s soul: Beyblades. My boys are obsessed with these things and they’re driving me absolutely bonkers. For those who are lucky enough to not know, they’re a kids’ toy, and they’re really just fancy looking spinning tops. Yup, tops. Like people used hundreds of years ago, but now they’re made of plastic, come in funny colors, and have cool sounding names like Galaxy Pegasus.
Also, they’re the most annoying thing since pop-up ads. They throw these damn things all over the hardwood floors, and they make enough of a racket to force me to consider poking out my own eardrums.
I’m too young to be that crotchety old guy (those damn kids with their music machines and telephones!), and I enjoyed playing with the boys when they wanted to break out Legos, GI Joes, even Pokemon. But I finally found that one thing where I just don’t get it; it won’t compute.
If I was in charge of breaking the will of my enemy, I’d toss them in an empty room with hardwood floors, bare walls, and a dozen kids having Beyblade battles. They’d be spilling their guts in minutes…
But it’s too late for me; my brain has partially liquefied, and I only hope I can learn to fully function and re-enter society with what I have left…
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